During the course of late last week and the weekend, I had the fortune of watching 2 teams I support crawling into new depths of despair. Both often threaten to achieve greatness, but when the lights are on, when the world’s watching, both teams excel at laying wonderfully polished and competent turds.

I’m talking about the Indian Cricket Team and Liverpool. As India crashed and burned out of the CT with  crapistic bowling performances against Pakistan and then Australia,  Liverpool embarassed themselves not once, but twice.  Fiorentina first abused them, and then it was Chelsea’s turn to ride the village bicycle.

It was quite a shocker to watch all around, more so when rival teams put up more commanding performances. As I watched Fabragas (what a player!) weave through the Blackburn defense like an accomplished tailor, or Watson absolutely OWNING the English, I just wanted to throw up in my mouth a little because both the teams neither win, nor even lose in style.

After anger gave way to sympathy, and self pity, apathy , compulsive fantasy , and finally some introspection, I managed to conjure up some striking similarities in the teams and the players. I’m pretty sure that it’s my imagination trying to force-fit these, but who cares? I award myself 5 stars, a pat on my back , and a  date with Megan Fox for coming up with these.

1. Both teams rely on past glories. India still fantasize of the 83 world cup, while Liverpool’s last League win was the 1989-1990 season.  If you think that it wasn’t way too long back, ponder over these:
a. Coolie was released in 1983. Amitabh who starred in it,  has since then gone on conduct a Miss world contest, star in 15423 more movies, go bankrupt and grow rich again,  father 2 children, one of whom sucks balls at acting and is living on the glories of his wife and dad.
b. Tracy Chapman won the best Newcomer at the 89 grammy.
c. Berlin wall ceased to exist (yeah it was mid-way through)
d. Bell-bottoms and mo-hawks went out of fashion.

You get the picture.

2. Both achieved little orgasms in the not-too distant past, India with the inaugural T20 world cup, and Pool with the C-League 2005 at Istambul.

3. And now, player similarities:

Mr. I-generally-don’t-suck-but-I-don’t-matter-in-the-final-outcome

Reina, Gambhir, Zaheer

Mr. I’m-so-cool-and-new-but-still-aint-there-yet

Johnson, Insua,  Raina, Rohit

Mr.I’m-generally-injured-but-otherwise-I-might-be-useful

Skrtel, Nehra

Mr.I’m-a-friggin-wall-but-a–porous-onethese-days

Carragher, Dravid

Mr. I’m-just-a–sub-till-the-others-show-up

Aurelio, Praveen Kumar


Mr.I-run-more-than-the-road-runner-but-do-very-little

Kuyt, Ishant

Mr. I-don’t-even-know-why-I’m-in-the-team-because-I-actually-blow-but-oh-that’s-right-I-sleep-with-the-manager/coach

Babel, Kohli

Mr. I’m-the-cheap-whore-who-gets-used-all-over-the-place

Benayoun, Karthik

Mr. I’m-the-big-tuna-but-if-I-don’t-show-up-we-lose

Gerrad,Torres, Sachin,  Yuvi

Mr.I’m Missing-in-action-wait-till-I-get-back

Aqualini, Viru

Mr. I’m-so-overrated-and-I’m-still-in-the-team!

Lucas, Bhajji

Mr. It’s-not-my-fault-we-lost-but-yeah-I-make-bad-decisions-and-give-fans-fits

Benetiz , Dhoni

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